Adventures are fun?

I could tell you my adventures — beginning from this morning,' said Alice a little timidly: 'but it's no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.'

'Explain all that,' said the Mock Turtle.
'No, no! The adventures first,' said the Gryphon in an impatient tone: 'explanations take such a dreadful time.'

A choice to make a new start. A path way to a new life. A journey to discovery. A......... big hiccup in the plans!

I began this blog with very good intentions and really did start to "find" myself. However life has a way of throwing in a blind curve that takes you in a direction you didn't think was possible or feasible. 

Now, I am not talking about change of "life direction" (not yet, anyway) but just STUFF that comes from, seemingly, nowhere and makes you take stock of where you are, who you are and why you are.

Things like a family health crisis, for instance, can sit you back on your heels and send all the fairy fluff worries and troubles flitting away into the never never. Actually, if you think about it, that's where those things belong!  

Let me explain......won't take a second.... Fairy fluff worries and troubles are designed to keep you from dealing with the REAL. Fairy Fluff things powdercoat the real meaning of "who", "what" & "why" and you can't see reality anymore. All you see is  "Eww, there's dirt on my powder coating! How dare you!" Think about it. Classic examples - Does it matter which side the toilet paper is on? Does it matter if the toothpaste is squeezed from the bottom? Does it matter if you aren't you doing the speed limit and will be a minute later? Does it matter that your sibling took all the red smarties when they are your favourite?.... I am sure you could think of a lot more. 

We had a blind curve to negotiate early this year. A stroke of rather major proportions. The risk of losing one very dear to us. The responsibility of dealing with medical staff and communicating with family members. The need to hold it all together so that everyone else could function. Taking in information, filtering it regurgitating it and feeding it out in manageable/understandable portions. Having to decide that "Do Not Resuscitate" was the best way to go if something else happened. THIS was our blind curve. THIS wiped Fairy Fluff from our lives....for a while. 

For 2 months we did "Reality" and found the strength to do it from friends family and God. Days turned into weeks. Tasks were left undone. Fluff didn't matter anymore.

Then, as life began to regain some form of "normality", the fairy fluff began to sneak back in. Old habits die hard. Now the choice must be made. Does the Fluff get to take over again? 

I guess writing this is my challenge to myself. I have put it out in the open to be viewed by whoever and it can't be hidden. I have to choose reality and maturity or go back to a Fairy Fluff childish life. 

I am not in any way saying the choice is easy. It isn't. Hand in hand with Fairy Fluff is Pride. Pride is like an HTML link, embedded in the program that is me.  

I can't say how successful I will be or how long it will take me to get rid of the Fluff again. I can only say I am going to try. That is MY adventure. 

and what shall be the wise closing words for today? Alice will not suffice, I deem to go further, to her creator, Mr. Charles Lutwidge Dawson. (otherwise known as Lewis Carroll)

I suppose every child has a world of his own — and every man, too, for the matter of that. I wonder if that's the cause for all the misunderstanding there is in Life?

Truth...

"What is truth?" a Governor once asked a famous Man. A question that still resounds in our world today.

Truth. A word which takes a mere second to speak, yet an eternity to understand. 

Each of us has a truth buried deep inside, given to us to tend, feed and grow. 

Some do not take care of this "seed" and it becomes twisted, a grotesque form that barely resembles the original. This twisted form does not bring life with it. It invades and spoils other's truth. It seeks to muddy the purity of healthy Truth. It will never bring life, wholeness, goodness. It can only tear down and destroy. It has a name and that is....lie!

We have all been at the mercy of this twisted form, at one time or another, in our lives. It has touched us with it's filth and sought to bring us down. Some have succumbed and fallen but others have battled, fought the good fight...... and won! Some are still battling. 

It is too easy to get caught up in a web of deceitful muck, to be weighed down by untruths, to be barraged by exaggerations. The desire to get clear of the mire is strong but one can feel like they are sinking in quicksand. Hitting out at the lie is like punching out at gossamer. Fruitless. The lie will parry and thrust and score another vital point in it's battle to destroy.

If you are one of these take heart! Truth is there inside you. Waiting to be accessed! The lie is a toothless lion. It roars but it has no real power. It only has the power that we give it. 

Imagination builds up the lie and makes it appear unbeatable, but allow TRUTH to rise and the muddy becomes clear. The roaring toothless lion becomes a small buzzing fly. Irritating but manageable.

What is TRUTH? It isn't man-made. It isn't what makes us "happy" or puffs us up to be better than an other. 

Truth is what makes us real. The One who made us has also place Truth in us. 

 He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. 

Ecclesiastes 3:11

New International Version - UK (NIVUK)

It may take an eternity for us to understand Truth but we have not been left alone. We have that seed inside. Find it, hang on to it, protect it, feed it and keep it healthy. Grow it, use it.... BE IT!

My! This has been a rather heavy entry!  Time for some words from some favourite characters. If you want... and I only say IF...

The two Queens looked at each other, and the Red Queen remarked, with a little shudder, ‘She says she only said “if”—’

‘But she said a great deal more than that!’ the White Queen moaned, wringing her hands. ‘Oh, ever so much more than that!’

‘So you did, you know,’ the Red Queen said to Alice. ‘Always speak the truth — think before you speak — and write it down afterwards.’

Who am I?

'Who are you?' said the Caterpillar. 

This was not an encouraging opening for a conversation. Alice replied, rather shyly, 'I — I hardly know, sir, just at present — at least I know who I WAS when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then.'

'What do you mean by that?' said the Caterpillar sternly. 'Explain yourself!'

'I can't explain myself, I'm afraid, sir' said Alice, 'because I'm not myself, you see.'.......

How does one get to this point in one's life and NOT know who they are? I don't really know the answer to that one. Perhaps there isn't ONE answer. Perhaps is is a succession of answers.

I remember who I wanted to be. Different people through the years. I don't mean specific people, I mean TYPES of people. Mostly brave, popular, daring, strong, flamboyant, talented, did I mention popular?  Unfortunately, I felt that I was none of those.  I tried to be those people, but circumstance and other people stood in my way.  Or so I thought.

Inside I was timid, I didn't have a right to say what I thought. Who was I to have an opinion on anything??!? 

Popular? No, no! People just tolerated me because, maybe, I had something they wanted to use. My vivid imagination told me they felt sorry for me so they "let" me hang around. 

Daring? Ha! I was too afraid of getting into trouble! 

Strong? Well, I was stubborn...is that similar?  hmmm.....  but stubborn on the inside, around certain people, in certain situations. Strong like I imagined others to be? Not I....... 

Flamboyant?  uh..... no. Too embarassed, someone might not like ME if I was way out there. 

Talented? Well, just too wrapped up in my inadequacies to recognize the talent that has been there all along.

Popular? Oh that old rag again? Done it TO DEATH! "you can't come with us, YOU are too young! (same age as all the rest)  You can't do that because YOU will wreck it. There's no more room for YOU! YOU have germs!

The thoughts of incompetence can dance around in the head, trying to drive out the one thing that I have that is true.... ME!
This week, circumstances have arisen in my life that have brought REALITY crashing into the inner realms of my thoughts.
I have come to realize (once again in my circular journey) that the negative voices, that scream out and attempt to drown me in black inky thoughts, are NOT what TRUTH is.
TRUTH is what is given by those that love me.
The truth is ...I have to learn how to trust those I love to tell me the TRUTH. I have to dispel those ink-stained thoughts with TRUTH.

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Philippians 4:8  New International Version (NIV)

What then, shall I say? 

Who am I?
I am a woman. I am a daughter (and a daughter-in-law). I am a sister. I am a wife. I am a mother (and a mother-in-law) I am an aunt. I am a grandmother. I am a friend. I am a hard worker. I am loyal. I am trustworthy. I am kind. I am considerate. I am funny. I am talented. I am a believer in the Living God.  I am hopeful. I am a seeker of truth. I am an adventurer. I am a traveller. I AM LOVED!

My self does not lie beneath the blackness. My SELF lies within the TRUTH, and the TRUTH will make me free!

And that is quite enough of my musing for tonight. I shall vanish until next time..

`All right,' said the Cat; and this time it vanished quite slowly, beginning with the end of the tail, and ending with the grin, which remained some time after the rest of it had gone.

Curiouser and Curiouser

Curiouser and curiouser!' cried Alice (she was so much surprised, that for the moment she quite forgot how to speak good English)...... 

........but to get through was more hopeless than ever: she sat down and began to cry again.
`You ought to be ashamed of yourself,' said Alice, `a great girl like you,' (she might well say this), `to go on crying in this way! Stop this moment, I tell you!' But she went on all the same, shedding gallons of tears, until there was a large pool all round her, about four inches deep and reaching half down the hall.

I am continually finding out that "holes",  especially black ones, are rather difficult to get out of quickly. One gets a glimpse of light and assumes that one must be out of the hole because there is the light after all!  But then "your head bumps the ceiling" and you realize that you are still on the journey to get out of the hole completely.
My problem is that I am IMPATIENT. If I think hard enough I can admit that this has been my way for all of my life. I want it NOW, I want to do it NOW, I want to get it over with NOW, OR I don't want to do it AT ALL!

So, this black hole, that threatened to swallow large portions of me faster than a Western Australian shark goes for a drum-line, has tried to reassert it's dominance in my life. I found that the healing process will not be rushed no matter how hard I try to "fake it 'til I make it". I cried my buckets of tears. Granted the dark did not last for weeks or even more than a few days, but it was scary enough to make me reconsider some stuff.

1. I have to admit that I am unhappy about some things, that my emotions are "real"

Now, I don't think I have to be happy all the time (it would be nice but that is not a reasonable expectation given that we live in a fallen world)  I have a tendency to try to push my emotions into a sack somewhere.....down in my deepest self.....then I pretend they are not real and were never here. I know I don't succeed at this because these emotions do the Great Escape and in doing this they become distorted and exhibit themselves in monstrous form, not at all like they were when I put them away.

2. I have to be willing to be vulnerable and talk about the stuff that is eating away at me.

As much as I love people and interacting with them I am DEADLY AFRAID of them.  I don't always say if something is bothering me because I am afraid they won't like me. They might turn on me. They might say something back that will HURT ME. So I don't say what I want to say...and then my imagination has a right royal picnic and imagines millions of things that make the dark that much darker. This is a curious thing because I think they have the right to tell me if I am bothering them. This is because I know that I won't reject, ridicule, hate, etc etc them. I just have never thought I was worth the same sort of treatment. Well, that's not quite true... I want that sort of treatment. I guess the issue comes down to TRUST.

3. I have to stop berating myself for having emotions.

Most of my life I have fought against crying. It is a sign of weakness and something girls and women do to get what they want.
NOW HOLD ON!!!! Before you get upset at me for that last sentence.... That is what I believed. THAT is what society and my peers taught me as I was growing up! THAT is what many people believe still today! Don't believe me? Cry in front of a man in the building industry because he won't listen to you explain in detail what the issue is with his contractor's workmanship. "Oh, I will have to come and fix it because I can't stand to see a woman cry"
I wanted to be listened to because I was speaking sense. I wanted to be included because I knew I was liked. I wanted to be chosen because I could be trusted to do the very best.
I have tried so hard to NOT be emotional that, guess what, there's that bag of distorted monsters again! And here come the well worn self talk put-downs I have used for decades.

It does not help, calling oneself names, speaking sternly to oneself. It only makes the imagination say "See, I TOLD you that you were not good enough"  The imagination is good in it's place but it is lousy at telling the TRUTH. Truth that is there to see except for the darkness. The "trick" is the key in the door and being just the right size to get the key and then the right size to fit through the door.
I have an idea that the "trick" isn't really all that hard, in the end.
The imagination has coupled up with the darkness and is screaming out that it IS just TOO HARD!!!!

No, it isn't! It isn't going to happen instantly but the door will be opened and the Garden will be accessed. Get back in your proper place iImagination. You will come out when I tell you and play by my rules. :)  (hmmm, I can't even tell my imagination off without putting a smily slant on the comment just in case I have offended it ha ha)

So, that is it for this time. I leave you with a poem which could have been written to the emotional monsters in our lives

`Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
  Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the borogoves,
  And the mome raths outgrabe.

"Beware the Jabberwock, my son!

  The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun
  The frumious Bandersnatch!"

He took his vorpal sword in hand:
  Long time the manxome foe he sought --
So rested he by the Tumtum tree,
  And stood awhile in thought.

And, as in uffish thought he stood,
  The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,
Came whiffling through the tulgey wood,
  And burbled as it came!

One, two! One, two! And through and through
  The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!
He left it dead, and with its head
  He went galumphing back.

"And, has thou slain the Jabberwock?
  Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!'
  He chortled in his joy.

`Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
  Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves,
  And the mome raths outgrabe.

Here is to wielding our "vorpal swords" and "snicker-snacking" those imaginary monsters!

Why?

‘Why do you sit out here all alone?’ said Alice, not wishing to begin an argument.

‘Why, because there’s nobody with me!’ cried Humpty Dumpty. ‘Did you think I didn’t know the answer to that? Ask another.’

I am what you would call a "WHY" person. My mother would say that if “WHY” was not the first word I spoke, it was most definitely one of the most frequent words I said!  Why am I such a WHY person?

Why... 

adverb  

1. for what reason or purpose.     

 I think. That would be the reason. I think a lot! I wonder about things. I take things to little pieces and try to put them back together again (in my thoughts mostly!) I may not be the brightest spark in the fire but I don't do too bad at the analysis game. I like to know WHY! 

“Why” can be very useful when you need to know something.

Why does the engine rattle like that when there is no oil in it?

Why do I need to sleep more than 6 hours a night?

Why is this policy in place?

Why do I have to hold me fingers out of the way of the chopping knife?

Why can be frustrating for those on the receiving end. Those questions that are hard to answer.

Why is the sky blue?

Why did that man say that?

Why did they call it Paris?

WHY don't you like it when I ask “WHY”? (sorry, Mom!)

I can't explain the desire to know. It is just there, and to set the record straight, I don't want to know everything! There are things out there that I am 100% NOT interested in! However....when I AM interested in something...LOOK OUT! I want to KNOW WHY!! My brain starts to unravel the item, unpack the contents, look at details. Sometimes it is doing this in the "back room" and my front room is blissfully unaware of all the activity.

(Does that sound strange to you? Hmm, it is something I have been doing for years so it's quite normal to me  J)

When I may need the information or I have some time to wander through my brain rooms I can stumble across the most interesting stuff! I probably need to learn how to store that “stuff” in a more orderly fashion.

I have been know to ask the "question" in the middle of a lesson....only to find if I had been a bit patient I would have found out the reason in the next few sentences. Ah! Patience. I wonder why I don’t have more of that?

Of course, there are plenty of times when the brain is just too tired to think and ask the “why” questions, unfortunately those times seem to come during the day when I most WANT it to be firing on all four cylinders!  

My brain sometimes thinks it is most effective to ask the question in the middle of the night when I should be sleeping! It goes through a well-worn path of whys, wonders and how comes. 

I keep telling my brain that 3 AM is not the time for that (unless I am working a night-shift) Those night time “whys” can cause one to not only lose sleep but also to lose perspective. It is too easy for the imagination to jump into the fray and provide the “answers” to the whys, but these pseudo answers only lead to more whys and on it goes.

There have been a few long periods of SILENCE where my brain was filled with fear rather than wonder. These periods come and go for all of us but for some they linger a bit longer and can be daunting. Fear can overshadow the ability to seek out, learn, and conquer the Why’s of this life. Fear must not be allowed to squash the wonder. It must not be allowed to overshadow the desire to be more, learn more, experience more.

“Why” is like a ticket to the next level. As long as you ask the right “Why” question.

What is the right “Why” question? I can’t answer that for you. I can only go on with my journey and share what it was/is and will be for me.

I may even discover on this journey that it is not necessary to ask Why as often as I do. 

The ultimate answer might be  "Just because."

You can always check back on me periodically and see where the “Why’s” of my life take me.

Until next time I shall be off.....

….you’ll stay and see me off first?’ ...... ‘I shan’t be long. You’ll wait and wave your handkerchief when I get to that turn in the road? I think it’ll encourage me, you see.’

Beginnings

So, the beginning has begun, the first step has been taken, the ice has been broken, the seal has been cracked the....Oh STOP waffling on and say what you are going to say!!!

Sorry, sometimes the Monty Pythonesque syndrome hits and I go off a bit. Where was I? Oh, yes...Beginnings!

In the beginning, I wasn't. And then I was. Born, that is. I guess even back then I wanted to DO something. I was the source of many tear filled nights during my childhood because of my adventures...with the wringer on the washing machine, with the big wash tub filled with water, with the lake, with the car, with the fish hook, with the pig....oh yes! I was a real into it child! I even got my sister involved in my adventures.
There was the time I decided that our little table and chair set was boring in yellow, so we "painted" them with black polkadots. Paint? Um, no. It was a can of tar that was being used to waterproof the cement blocks in the basement. Paintbrushes? Fingers were invented well before paintbrushes! And doesn't tar stick so well? to the skin, the hair, the floor, the chairs, the table! I have a vague memory of being scrubbed and turped and scrubbed and turped (turpentine for those not in the know) I think there was a couple of haircuts involved as well.
Yes, my beginning was adventurous. The above writings all happened before I turned 5 and they didn't stop there.

But this wasn't supposed to be about adventures. It is about beginnings, of which I have had many. Each time we moved, and we moved quite a lot, it was a new beginning. New home, new school, new friends. New challenges, new lessons. Some of those lessons have gone un-noticed until recent days. It may be a good thing to revisit some of those "new" beginnings all these years later and look at them with a matured eye rather than a child's eye. The child's understanding is limited, incomplete, subject to misunderstanding the situation. A child's eye can interpret falsely and carry an incorrect memory for years, a memory that could be the foundation for who that child will become. A foundation that could be doomed to crumble/collapse/disintegrate as the smallest piece of truth-force is applied to it.

Who we are is largely because of how we responded to our new beginnings in the past. Who we will become will be because of how we respond to the new beginnings to come.  I am choosing to face my new beginnings with a positive attitude. To advance who I am with a stronger emphasis of reliance on One stronger than myself. I choose to look back at my past "new beginnings" and find the lessons I missed. I choose to find the good in me and not be afraid to say it is there. I choose to face my new beginnings with joyful anticipation of the things I will learn and experience. I choose....because I can!

so, with that said, I will sign off with some wise words from one of my book "friends"

“Speak in French when you can’t think of the English for a thing--
turn your toes out when you walk---
And remember who you are!” 

until next time.....

The White Rabbit put on it's spectacles. `Where shall I begin, please your Majesty?' it asked.
`Begin at the beginning,' the King said gravely, `and go on till you come to the end: then stop.'

Well, this is a beginning. I have no idea how long the story shall be, so I won't even begin to predict where it may stop.

This will be my rambling page. I may have pictures, or poems or personal insights or whatever I feel to share with the world at large.

Alice in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass have been favourites as long as I can remember. I had the great privilege of playing the White Rabbit in my High School. I tried for Alice, but I wasn't quite what our school drama teacher/director wanted for the part (blonde hair, no less!)

To find oneself falling down a rabbit hole and into a world where the impossible is quite possible is an imaginary delight for me. Reading this, I was be transported into that world and I would be Alice, The Queen, the Duchess, the Cheshire Cat, the White Rabbit, Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee, the Dormouse, the Mad Hatter etc.  in turn.

My imagination has never really been lacking and, although it has taken a bit of a holiday the last few years, it doesn't seem that it will fade away into insignificance. One of my life motto's has been taken from another book... 

“If growing up means it would be beneath my dignity to climb a tree, I'll never grow up, never grow up, never grow up! Not me!” 

― J.M. Barrie

J.M. Barrie, of course, wrote Peter Pan. Funny, I would rather have been one of the Lost Boys than be Tinkerbell or Wendy. I think the boys had much more fun!  Wendy seemed to get all the responsibility of motherhood without the fun of getting into the dirt and playing with the kids! Hmph! What is the use of going to Neverland if you only get to do the washing up and mending? I suppose it was typical for the time it was written. At least Tiger Lily had more to do than be a weak female.  I guess that is one of the reasons I like Alice so much. She DID stuff! 

I still have dreams of climbing a mountain somewhere and sitting at the top, letting the wind blow in my hair. I dream of going to the vast wilderness areas and drink in the spectacular views, to be awed by the bigness and the beauty of nature. The movie "The secret life of Walter Mitty" appealed to me purely because the movie character DID go and do those things, see those things, experience those things. 

I dream of doing the travel and taking the photo's and one day having that WOW! shot that puts people on their heels. Not because I want them to say "isn't she so good" but because I would feel like I had achieved a major goal, "made a difference".

So, on that note....

"Now, I give you fair warning," shouted the Queen, stamping on the ground as she spoke; "either you or your head must be off, and that in about half no time! Take your choice!"


I am off...until next time.